Creatures of Habit and Natural Seekers of Happiness

This will be the final in this Series and the last Blog on Relationships and Families.  Now that everyone has written their lists on which areas of their lives they want to change. Have drawn up a genogram to find the origin of their family and also where some of their most unwanted behaviours may have come from.  Everyone knows how to change a behaviour through changing the chain of behaviours through replacing unwanted behaviours with more desirable productive behaviours. I feel like my work here is done. So to finish this series of blogs for in home relationship therapy I'm going to give a broad overview of what the different schools of thoughts are on making a happy life and a happy family.

As you might have guessed I do think Sigmund Freud had some pretty good ideas and formed the basis of what we know as human behaviour and psychology.  Many people don't like what he says however a lot of what he observed in humans is really still accurate. When challenged we do become defensive for example.  Considering the time in which Freud worked and studied psychology he did unlock a lot of unknowns regarding human behaviour. He gets a bit a bad wrap I think undeservedly. Overall here is a man who was dedicated to making people's lives better. When I think of Sigmund Freud I remember that he lived in a time where women weren't seen as equals. He supported his daughter in following in his footsteps and Anna became very influential in her field of child psychology. This is a man who recognised that his patients who were living in asylums were suffering on many levels and living in abnormal conditions. Once a year he took three or four of his patience along with him on his family holidays to give them a break for these conditions. He was a good man with good intentions and he did the best he could with what he knew and that's all any of us can do.

Ericson connected the links between the individual and the social environment around them. He helped us to understand the impact of the culture we grow up in. He helped us to understand how we are not just an island. Eric Ericson believed that human development continued through our lifetime and that people are capable of change. The idea of people being a part of a complex system was his and that to change humanity changing the system of operations was a crucial part of making a better life for everyone.  This is true as far as I can see we do develop through our lifetime. When we get to different stages of our lives our understanding is different our focus changes as we age. Perhaps this is why at the age of 50 painting is important to me and passing a long my knowledge through things like this blog is important to me. Spending time with my family now is more important than anything else rather than the focus being on supporting them financially.

Skinner took the works of Pavlov and created something resembling what we now know as CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  This theory has been very popular recently.  It fits nicely into our Medicare system. Psychoanalysis takes a long time there's a lot of work involved in this type of counselling. We delve into things like the family system, early childhood, dreams and reality going deep into the subconscious and searching for the root causes of our troubles. It's the pandora's box of worms I said to one of my counselors "Every time I come here I have to drag something out of that box and look at how it got there and then figure out a way of making it better and chucking it back in there". This takes years. CBT however 6 weeks and you get results. There's no jumping into pandora's box I think it has a "Just Do It" approach. There's nothing wrong with this idea, it's great for giving up smoking, getting back into the gym or changing bad eating habits.

In conclusion, this is just my belief and I am far from perfect believe me. People are complex individuals as Freud discovered.  We do have an Id, superego and an ego in my opinion the subconscious mind can be unlocked through dream analysis.  We do respond to certain things with our lizard brains. I believe we are part of a system and that our early childhood is not the end of our development. I also believe that there comes a time in which we have to stop mucking around in pandora's box of misery and just do it. We are creatures of habit the best way to change our lives is to be consistent in forming new patterns of behaviour. To be honest we are all in the pursuit of happiness.  We all look for happiness in different places for some of us it comes with the possession of material things, for some of us it's spending time with our loved ones, perhaps happiness comes to some people in the search for meaning and living a meaningful life. To be happy in my own opinion is a natural thing. I think sometimes happiness is so close to us that we fail to see it sometimes. However or in whatever way you find happiness that's just fine as long as you aren't hurting other people or yourself.  I do hope the people who have read this blog have enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed writing and researching for it.


References

Corey, G. "Theory and Practice of Counselling and Psychotherapy" (2007) Publisher Pearson Education Australia.

Watson & Tharp "Self -Directed Behaviour"(2007) Publisher Wadsworth

The Power of Making a List

I love lists.  I write them on paper, whiteboards, in my head as I'm going about my day. It's very satisfying to cross a thing off a list and often visual cues are great for self accountability.  There's a commitment to a thing that is written in black and white that isn't there if it is just floating around in your head as something you might do one day.  For example, if I write down clean the fridge, tidy the bookcase and clean out the pantry cupboard there's more chance of me actually doing those things.  If I'm just thinking I must do these things one day I find I rarely commit my time to doing these cleaning tasks. If it's written on the whiteboard I'm reminded every time I walk by the whiteboard that I want to get those things done and I haven't done them yet. It's a visual cue and prompts me.

The idea of writing lists for therapeutic reasons is featured in a few therapy types.  The lists that I am going to give you to write are from A.C.T. (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). They come from the book "Get Out of your Mind and Get into your Life" which I have been referenced a few times in some of my other blogs.  This is a great book which is aimed at assisting people through the process of self awareness giving practical exercises and tips on how to change your thinking and behaviour. These exercises are designed to be done with or without a therapist.  This is why I've decided to use these particular exercises and they are list based which I think is an awesome idea. I highly recommend this book it's available as an ebook which is also terrific.

The first step is this; make a list using the following format I did this using word then insert table. Write as many or as few as you like.  I found it useful to write everything I could think of.  A long list.

Painful and difficult issues I experience

How long this has been the case

Rank

Second Step, copy and paste this table and put them in order of which is most important to you and which is least important. Keep the other list as it serves as a comparison.

Third step, draw lines to the problems that are connected to each other.  I did this by copying and pasting my list to a drawing program you could just print it up or find the drawing program on word which I couldn't do.

I don't know about you, I found this very interesting to see how my problems were related to each other.  It did look like a colourful mishmash of lines and I used different colours in the end to group the problems up into different categories.  You could do the same.  You could maybe have childhood, present day and future concerns.  Another way might be physical problems, emotional problems and social problems. You could give them Ugent, Immediate or Non-urgent as headings.

The last step for today's exercise will be imagining how different life were without one or two of these problems so the next exercise is going to be writing the following sentence using one of the problems from your list you can repeat this exercise as many times as you like.  However, a caution don't do too many you might do your head in and I want you to feel good not go crazy.

 If.............wasn't a problem for me, I would..............

I hope you have fun imagining your life without the things that might be holding you back next week I will be writing about how these problems might be tackled in order to make those sentences a reality not just a list.

References

Steven Hayes, PH.D. With Spencer Smith “Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life The New Acceptance & Commitment Therapy” (2005) New Harbinger Publications Inc.

The Rocky Road Between Ideas and Reality

Last week I wrote a rather messy unedited piece about the ever trendy diagnosis of Narcissism and Sex Addiction. This week I'm going to talk about the rocky road which we travel when translating great ideas into reality. Concepts such as, acceptance, forgiveness, letting go and reflecting among other things seem like wonderful ideas.  The problem with wonderful ideas is that they often are just wonderful ideas that seem highly obtainable in thought however, instantly seem highly unobtainable when translating them into action. There are so many variables in this transition, we just don't know how other people are going to respond. We have fantastical ideas when we first set out which are abruptly halted by the reality that confronts us.  We have a misconception about what success looks like we aren't prepared and often we give up before we have given these ideas a really good try.

I remember when I first graduated from my Associate Diploma of Social Science and Community Development I had also done years of self-help manual reading and hours of counselling and self exploration. I was keen to stretch my wings and practice what I had learned: Talking in the "I",  reflecting content, empathising and not sympathising. I was keen as mustard to be strength focused, to be accepting of my clients and their situations and treat everyone as my equals. I had  textbooks and self help books stacked high in my many bookcases amongst a healthy amount of children's books for my sons. I had diligently read them all and committed them to memory. What a pain in the bum I was. Probably I still am sometimes :)

Lucky for me my first job was with intellectually disabled people and their families. I launched into a conversation based on all my training, my own self discovery.  I was talking to a young guy who had made several attempts on his life, his father had committed suicide and so had his older brother. My job for the day was to take the fellow fishing and try to talk to him about his depressed mood. My leading sentence, after the formalities were over, was "Is there anything you'd like to share with me today?".  You can only imagine my shock when the very honest young man looked me dead in the eyes and said to me rather harshly "Can you just cut the crap and talk to me like a fucking human being?"...from that point on I understood that those books might have been pretty helpful for my own personal development  and formed a good foundation.  Reality required that I come up with something more authentic and meaningful right now or I would not be successful at all in helping anyone including myself.

So with this is mind we are going to cut the crap and have an authentic blog about the reality of acceptance.  Let me start with meditation, the goal of meditation is to empty your mind and find a place of peace and serenity.  I've been practicing Meditation for many years, since I was 13 years old. At 50 years old I can empty my mind and reach a place of peace and serenity sometimes, not all the time. The expectation of emptying your mind and finding a place of peace and serenity is a goal and perhaps some of us are perfect meditating guru's and can reach nirvana after 12 months of practicing meditation. The rest of us however, will never be able to achieve that pinnacle. This fact is probably why the focus on meditative goals has changed so much since I first learned this life skill. It's the practicing which is important. It's important to be realistic about it and congratulate yourself on your success and not spend too long analysing what went wrong. The important thing is you gave it a go and you learnt a little bit more about it than you did last time you had a go at it.

With this in mind in regard to practicing acceptance, do not have the expectation of being able to accept everything all at once. If you are in a full on argument with someone over politics, sex or religion forget the idea of accepting the other person's arguments. Try at first to see that their argument might be just as important to them as your arguement is to you. Does that mean you shouldn't challenge them? No it does not. Challenging and withstanding a challenge is very character building. Being open to accepting that you might be wrong or you're opinion isn't fully formed is also a good idea.

Have you ever had an argument or debate with someone, a conflict of any kind actually and then 24 hours later realised that you were in the wrong or you missed an opportunity to learn something or you may have prematurely burned a bridge? If you have never experienced this congratulations to you. If you have welcome to the club of imperfectionism.  You are not alone. Most of us have had that feeling. It takes a great deal of self acceptance and humility however, to fix it all up. I would like to say it is never too late to apologize. It's never too late to clarify. It's never too late to complete a conflict. The completion of a conflict is "resolution".  As one of my very wise son's said to me "Conflict is the gnarly tree we have to climb to eat the sweet fruit which is resolution"

This is the first practice of acceptance which may surprise a lot of people. Conflict is a good thing and is a crucial element of acceptance because when we complete the conflict we reach resolution. This is true of "inner conflict" as well. In order to achieve acceptance we must resolve our conflicts. The first point of call is learning how to climb the gnarly tree without bleeding to death before we reach that sweet fruit. You might want to revisit the earlier blog on genograms to look at how your family taught you to manage conflict.  Next week let's tackle our hardest conflictual nemesis "ourselves". There will be some writing and thinking to do so come prepared.

References

Stevens, Bruce "Happy Ever After?: A Practical Guide to Relationship Counselling for Clinical Psychologist" (ebook, 2015) Publisher Australian Academic Press

Hayes, S phd with Smith S "Get out of your Mind and Into your Life: The New Acceptance Commitment Therapy" (2005) New Harbinger Publications

Acceptance Application

Recently I've been hearing about a lot of Narcissistic Fellows with Sex Addiction.  In fact nearly every male friend who is currently going through a breakup or has been having relationship issues has been diagnosed by their significant other as a narcissistic sex addict.  A few of my friends and colleagues have also had the misfortune of having partners afflicted with this combination psychological conditions.

Firstly, I would like to remind everyone of the dangers of diagnosing something as serious as narcissistic sex addiction in your husband and partners. Even trained psychiatrist and psychologist have trouble with this kind of diagnosis.  The Diagnostic tool used for this kind of diagnoses is often questioned as being the most effective methods.  Many psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors believe that the DSM 5 isn't helpful professionally or in fact to the clients who see them.

A professional would never diagnosis their family member or friends or someone who they haven't seen themselves.  For example a counsellor told a friend of mine "Your husband sounds like a narcissist" My friend took this as a diagnosis and went directly home and told her husband. This was a very unprofessional thing that the counsellor did, even if at the time she felt that my friend was married to a narcissist she should never have made this assertion as she had not met the husband and is not qualified to make a diagnosis of this kind.  This is a very unethical practice.

Let's work from the basis that the worst possible scenario has occurred and you find yourself married to and in love with a Narcissistic Sex Addict who has been appropriately diagnosed and is refusing treatment. The percentage of men in the general population under 40 with Narcissism is about 6% this number decreases with age. So, the likelihood of this happening is pretty low. For argument sake let us imagine the worst scenario.

Going back to the poem by Francis is your partner's Narcissistic Sex Addiction diagnoses something that you can change? If you can't change your partners diagnoses or his reaction to it e.g. refusing treatment what can you change? If you think nagging your partner will be an effective method you could try that. Perhaps you could accept that your husband is a Narcissistic Sex Addict who doesn't want treatment perhaps he is getting some benefit from his condition and wants to stay in this state. The benefits may far outweigh the negative aspects.

What can you change maybe you can write a list of things you can do.  You might consider ending the marriage, you may consider looking for benefits to being married to a narcissistic sex addict and embrace those and accept the negative attributes, you might question the diagnosis, you might change how the marriage works to incorporate the difficulties of living with a Narcissist Sex Addict.  You might seek out counselling yourself to decide how to approach this diagnosis. You might research Narcissism and Sex Addiction to increase your knowledge.

There are a lot of things that you can do in this example which might give you a sense of empowerment and peace of mind.  I'll return to my initial concern regarding diagnosis.  You probably aren't married to a narcissistic sex addict most probably you are married to a stubborn normal guy who is a bit of a pain to you at the moment. Next week we will do some exercises from Acceptance Commitment Therapy.

References

Saxena, Shekhar, Esparza, Patricia, and Regier, Darrel A., eds. Public Health Aspects of Diagnosis and Classification of Mental and Behavioral Disorders : Refining the Research Agenda for DSM-5 and ICD-11. Washington, DC, USA: American Psychiatric Association, 2012. ProQuest ebrary. Web. 31 October 2015.

Emmelkamp P. & Kamphuis J "Personality Disorders" Published by Taylor and Francis (2013)

Ronningstam, Elsa. Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality. Cary, NC, USA: Oxford University Press, 2005. ProQuest ebrary. Web. 31 October 2015.

Acceptance of Differences

This morning I was having a lovely online chat with my soon to be daughter in law (fingers crossed) about acceptance.  We were actually talking about a lot of stuff the topic of accepting differences was one. I thought it might be interesting to look at this concept over the next few weeks. In relationships accepting differences can be a very difficult thing to do. However, often the differences between us is what makes the relationships we are in interesting. Who wants to be married to or friends with someone who is just like us really. It would be highly unlikely because no two people are exactly the same.  Even if it were possible to clone people its our experiences that shape us. Your clone would go off and end up being completely different from you living their own life, having their own experiences and shaping them in a different way. That's my hypothesis on clones.

Acceptance is a tricky thing in relation to yourself and others.  I remember as a young woman I read the Al Anon poem and thought it was a wonderful idea, despite it having a heavy religious tone. It goes like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, 

the courage to change the thing I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

The author of this poem, Francis of Assisi, an Italian Monk, believed that laughter is divine as tears. I agree, I'm sure most of you have heard me say "you need a good cry, it's like lancing a boil" nobody could dispute the therapeutic value of a good belly laugh. It's very nice to know that even in the 1200's when Francis wrote this poem, people were struggling with acceptance. I'm sure shed a few tears and had a few good belly laughs on this journey.

How do we accept things that we can not change? How do we relax in the face of situations which seem almost unbearable. In my work as an Assistant in Nursing particularly in palliative care supporting people through the process of acceptance has been a large part of my job. Finding meaning in what would appear to be a meaningless situations such as the death of a child, the death of a partner and my patience's own death or change of circumstance such as adapting to a disability or having to learn to get around with an Acquired brain injury or a wheelchair or just simply adapting to getting old. As one of my clients said, "I'm 96 years old, everyday brings a new disaster, I hear less, I see less or I can't move as well as I did last year. I don't know why I'm here, I really don't even want to be here, I just have to accept that I'm here and make the best of what I've got".

The next few blogs will be about acceptance. What steps can we take to reach the serenity Francis of Assisi wrote about. I'll be looking at the different approaches and philosophies of acceptance. Hopefully we will all learn something of letting go and living life without the burden of running ourselves ragged trying to change things that are unchangeable.

References 

Assisi Francis, Amstrong J(editor)Brady I (translator) "Francis & Clare: The Complete Works. Classics of Western Spirituality"(1988) Publisher Paulist Press.

Hayes S. phd with Smith S. "Get out of your Mind and Into your Life: The New Acceptance Commitment Therapy"(2005) New Harbinger Publications Inc

Changing Behaviours

Last week I talked about the difference between Behaviours and Responses and this week I'm going to write about how to change behaviours that are unwanted and replace them with wanted behaviours. For the purpose of understanding how this can be done I'm going to refer to my own addiction to nicotine and how I kicked the habit of smoking.

The first step to changing a behaviour is understanding that behaviour.  By this I mean understanding why you are choosing to use this behaviour in your life. What are you getting out of it? Why did you start in the first place? What is going on before you start the behaviour? Do you really want to change the behaviour what are the pro's and con's? How much do you want to change the behaviour? Are you prepared to do whatever it takes to change elements in your life to remove the behaviour? Then you need to monitor the behaviour before even thinking about changing it. This will give you a better understanding of how this behaviour is impacting on your life.  It helps you to be honest with yourself.  Food diaries are something that is used in changing behaviours related to weight and weight gain or loss. Exercise journals and apps such as Runkeeper help to monitor good behaviours. All of this leads toward being accountable for your actions. It also identifies key times or danger times where the negative behaviour is most prominent and least prominent.

In my smoking addiction key times for me were in the morning, times of stress and after the evening meals. I loved my cup of coffee and ciggy in the morning.  I still love a cup of coffee in the morning and it taste so much better now that I am a non-smoker.  However, when I first gave up I had to stop having that morning coffee for a little while.  I replaced it with a herbal tea which was also lovely and instead of having a cigarette I had a slice of toast. Lemon herbal tea isn't compatible with a ciggy but it is with toast and lemon butter. In times of stress instead of going outside to have a cigarette I replaced that behaviour with 20 sit ups or 20 push ups, sometimes I would just go for a walk. A rather fast paced walk with a bit of swearing under my breath about what was annoying me. After the evening meal I worked  a tapestry while watching TV.  I lapsed a few times as my husband was still smoking. I just got back to the program I had made for myself and didn't beat up on myself or considered myself a failure. In fact the few times I did lapse back into smoking I found that I didn't enjoy the cigarette and it reinforced that I didn't want to be a smoker anymore.

This brings me to the stages people experience before they can attempt change.  The pre-contemplative stage which is the part where smokers might think "I'm going to die anyway it may as well be of smoking related illness or my grandmother lived for ages and she smoked so I'll probably be the same". The contemplative stage this might be signified by the smoker saying to themselves "Do I really want to die of smoking related illness" or "My Grandma did only smoke one or two cigarettes a day while I smoke a whole packet" this might lead to "Maybe I should give up smoking"
This thinking might be followed by some actions like phoning up the quitline researching ways to give up smoking. The next stage is the planning stage. During this stage you might start putting some things into place as I did regarding methods of replacing the unwanted behaviour of smoking with some healthier behaviours. You may return to the planning stage periodically and adapt to your changing circumstances for example I can enjoy my morning coffee now without thinking about having a cigarette yet in the early stages this would have been impossible for me. The next stage is the Action stage this is where your plans are implemented. The first steps toward changing the behaviour are underway. The final stage naturally is the maintenance of the wanted behaviours over the unwanted behaviour.

There we have it behaviour change in a nutshell.  I do hope that if you are considering changing a behaviour this is helpful to you. You can apply these to family patterns of behaviour as well for example if there is a history of smacking kids you can apply a plan for change. An example of this would be to think about alternative methods of relating to your children.  You could withdraw a favourite toy or send your child to their room. You could even talk to your child in an age appropriate way to teach them that throwing a tantrum is not an effective way of getting what they want. Persistence and consistency is the key to any kind of change.

Image from website (http://www.livestroo.com/?p=32)

References

Bowles T."Developing Adaptive Change Capabilities Through Client-Centered Therapy" Published in Journal, "Medical Sciences Psychiatry-Neurology". Australia, Bowen Hills (Dec 2012)

Caltabiano M, Safafino E. &Bryne D. "Health Psychology Biopsychosocial Interactions" Publisher Wiley & Sons Australia (2008)

Watson & Tharp "Self-Directed Behaviour" Publisher Wadsworth (2007)

Patterns of Behaviour

The description of "Behaviour" has somehow evolved into meaning things people do which are disruptive or bad.  As I have worked in the Disability Service Sector, the word Behaviour has become very negative.  I worked for one organisation that attempted to call a Behaviour a Response. While these two things a similar the definitions are very different.  The problem with how we define behave is really more about our treatment of the person who is demonstrating this behaviour. We tend to attach behaviour to the concept of character and personality which blurs the lines between what a person does and who a person is.

To clear things up a behaviour is an action a person takes.  A toddler throwing a temper tantrum is an example of an action being taken. A response is a reaction to an event. A response is I pinch you, you say "ouch". A response is reactive and spontaneous.  I have an anaphylactic response to penicillin.  When I get angry I tend to yell and give lecturers. My behave is yelling and giving lectures the antecedent to this behaviour might be leaving dirty laundry in the bathroom. If I treat this as a response it almost mitigates my responsibility in the event of dirty laundry being left on the floor.  If you didn't leave dirty laundry on the floor, I wouldn't respond by yelling and screaming. A behaviour can be changed, a response is not so easy to change.  Just try getting pinched and not saying "ouch".

Now personality and traits are a different thing completely, worthy of a blog of their own.  So, let me say this your behaviour is not part of your personality or character. One of my parenting phrases constantly in use when my kids were young was "I love you very much, it's your behaviour I'm unhappy about".  This separates the behaviour from the person.  However, we can learn behaviours and this is how we end up sounding like our own parents when we ourselves become parents. You might have had an experience where you've been saying something to your children and your mother's words just came out of your own mouth.  This is why last week's learning about genograms can come in handy for recognising some of the behaviours that you may have inadvertently learned from your parents.  The good news is we can change behaviours.  Its very difficult to do.  I gave up smoking almost two decades ago, every now and then I'd love to have a cigarette.

Next week we will have a look at some of the ways behaviours can be changed.  Break down behaviours and replace bad behaviours with good ones.  Instead of yelling about the laundry on the floor we're going to behave like the adults we should be and be reasonable.  We might even learn to take this as an opportunity to reward the good behaviour of our partners or kids when they put their laundry in the washing basket.

Genograms Maps of Why we are Who we are

Families are amazing micro universes from which we are launched into life and adulthood. The people within our families who are known to us and even those who are unknown to us are linked to us in so many ways.  The ties are strong and last generation upon generation. Behaviours are handed down to us.  The family like the country we are born in form cultures that make us who we are. I remember my mother and aunty traveling to Scotland to find our family roots.  They excitedly returned with a prayer from a church they found in Keltie.  It went something like this: "Lord I pray that my family always have good food, a hot bath and a good strong cup of tea".  We all had a good laugh.  These things are important to most families I would say.  The prayer should have also said "Lord I pray that I can control my urge to be hyper-critical, cynical and Judgemental of those I love while completely ignoring my own failings as a human being" I'm pretty sure these things are also pretty common among families around the world.  I hope not too common.  To change anything in our lives the first step is knowing what the problems are.  A genogram is one way of exploring the family patterns, understanding the culture or the system of the family. Once you know what you are dealing with then you can keep what you like and discard what you aren't too happy about.

The first thing you will need is a nice big piece of paper.  Get yourself some colourful pencils and an eraser. Start by drawing your family tree. I think we've all done one of those in primary school. Circle for Women, Square for Men, a little cross for dead people.  Now for the exciting bit. The lines of connectivity between the members of the family.  You can draw whatever lines you like to signify  those connections or you can go to last week's youtube link or this one as a guide. Now you can add things like abuse, depression, academic success, careers really anything that is part of your families big picture. Try not to worry about doing a great job like the ones on youtube just do something meaningful to you. You might like to choose to look at how many men cheated on their wives. There might be a theme that emerges as you work your way through your genogram.  There might be a few themes that pop up through the process of doing your genogram.  You could phone up your parents and ask them about things like what was Grandma's mum like.  I found that there was a real pattern of depression going back three generations by asking my Grandmother a few things about her life and her parents.

Once you discover where things like abuse or depression come from it helps with understanding and also treatment.  It's possible to change the culture of your family and to create something meaningful and positive for the following generations.  When the next generations come along they can see where all the bad stuff stopped and all the good stuff began.

When you do your genogram it might bring up a few tears, in fact you might feel a gamut of emotions.  I highly recommend that you do yours slowly with a therapist if you can or a good friend. Have a packet of tissues handy.  Use images that mean something to you, for example my mother drew black dogs to signify depression and I drew black clouds. Try to include some of the strengths for example all the women in my family had paid employment some even dressed as men to get the jobs they wanted.  My mother drew a dollar sign.  I drew a stack of books for the women who worked.

I do hope you have a lot of fun in the end doing your genograms and shed a few cleansing tears.  I hope you find themes that help you to really understand yourself and your family members.  I wish you luck.  Feel free to contact me  via facebook or by calling 0425 730 629 if you are having a hard time with it or need help. I am offering 6 months of free counselling as part of my placement so this might be a good time to get into a genogram with my help. Good luck :)

References

Chizastowski "A narrative perspective on genograms: Revisiting classical family therapy methods" in Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry (2011) Vol14(4) pp 635-644 Sage Publications

Galindo, Boomer & Reagan "A family genogram workbook" publisher Educational Consultants (2006)

McGoldrick "The Genogram Journey: Reconnecting with your Family" publisher Norton & Company (2011)

Themes, Dreams and Patterns of Behaviour

If you've been reading my blog for awhile you will know how much I love to look for themes, dreams and patterns of behaviour.  It's always a surprise to me  how much looking for themes and patterns of behaviour can reveal about how problems manifest themselves in people's lives.  I did a lot of work with this myself when I first started therapy at the tender age of 16.  I found it so useful to understanding myself.  I carried this knowledge over to my work with people with disabilities and their families and I am often drawing a genogram in my mind when assessing people's stories. These patterns of behaviour tend to repeat themselves all through our lives.  What is truly amazing is how we can't often see them. Then just like an Escher Painting once the hidden picture is pointed out to us it's so glaringly obvious. Perhaps you've stood and looked at a painting trying to see something there, knowing that there is something more to the picture yet fail to see exactly what it is, then all of a sudden the image just pops out at you. The same kind of thing can happen with your own behaviours seeing how they impact on the lives around you. Where those behaviours sprang from can come from a long line of learning it from our families.

Freud believed that dreams were the key to unlocking the subconscious mind. The subconscious being the place where our true selves reside. Dreaming, a place to discover what is really going on with these patterns and themes we hide so well from ourselves. I've spoken before about self awareness and how difficult this is to master. In previous blogs I've spoken about self acceptance, loving ourselves without conditions. Accepting that imperfection is in fact perfect for the human condition. So much of these things are dependant upon seeing these themes in our lives our patterns of behaviour. Our awareness regarding these patterns is clouded by our own cognitive bias. Our desire to appear to others and ourselves as having it all together, being completely accomplished humans. Ironically the actual key to self awareness is accepting that we are not these things. We are all imperfect in some way and striving for perfection is admirable yet somehow meaningless if we are telling ourselves big old fibs about who we are.

Genograms are a wonderful way of opening up some lost family secrets. It's also a way of discovering how some of these themes and patterns of behaviour can be linked right back through many generations. The only way we can change some of these unhealthy patterns of behaviour is by knowing about them. Our family history can also be a source of finding great strengths handed down to us by our family members. In past blogs I have mentioned the theme of rebellious strong women in my family. For the next few weeks I'm going to focus on how we can find patterns of behaviour and themes of our lives.



References

Adam Phillips (1954) and Freud Zigman (1939) "The Freud Reader" Penguin Books (2006)

McGoldrick Monica, "The Genogram Journey: Reconnecting with your family" WW Norton & Company(2011)

Teyber Edward "Interpersonal Process in therapy: an integrated approach" Belmont, Calif Thomson/Brooks Cole (2006)

Love Thy Neighbour ...Maybe Not

This week's blog is dedicated to April.  A lovely girl who is the partner of one of my son's friends. Who has been having some communication difficulties with her neighbour who likes loud music on a Sunday morning. This experience made me think about my neighbours.  I don't really have close relationships with my neighbours.  I really only talk to one or two of my neighbours occasionally. Neighbours for some people form an important part of the social network around them and in some cases are part of the extended family. In days gone by I think this was more the case than it is today. It is disturbing that people are so isolated from their physical communities yet understandable as privacy and protection are important to people as well as social interactions.

My mother in law enjoys a close knit community in her neighbourhood. This community serves as a network of support and puts my mind at rest knowing that these communities are looking after my mother in law and my own mother who also enjoys a neighbourhood of social activity. My husband followed in his mother's footsteps by developing close relationships with all our neighbours.  It wasn't unusual for me to come home from work to find my husband making coffee for five or six of the neighbours while they were sitting out in our garden. Leigh approached the neighbours with an open heart and an open door policy. After a 10 hour shift however, all I wanted to do was flop down on the couch and not talk to anyone. Although I did admire his ability to let others into his life so warmly. Unfortunately he was taken advantage of fairly often and our peace and serenity paid a hefty price on more than one occasion. I did see things deteriorate from love to hate quickly and this is why I choose to wave and say hello and engage in polite conversation with my neighbours. I build my own social networks in other areas after all I have to live here and if things go wrong it's very uncomfortable living with hostile neighbours. I play it safe.

What do the experts say about neighbours and social networks. Folger, Poole and Stutman believe that working through neighbourhood disputes serves as an arena where conflict management can produce a growth experience. We can identify power dynamics, identify issues of conflict and move through the process rethink how we see these problems and work toward cultivating a collaborative attitude. April's problem of neighbourhood noise problems warrants a chapter in their book Working Through Conflict Strategies for Relationships, Groups and Organizations.

There are a few conflict styles that these guys use which seem to be an accurate description; Competing, Avoiding, Accommodating, Compromising and Collaborative. It is possible to move through these styles of conflict management. It can be situationally based and highly dependant on knowing which style the other person or people are using to develop ideas on how to counter things like the natural reaction of defensiveness. Nobody likes to be confronted by a neighbour or boss and conflicts do arise in the natural course of any relationship actually. One of my son's sagely described conflict as a gnarly old tree that's difficult to climb and resolution as a sweet fruit that you get after you climb the tree. How we choose to deal with conflict reflects on us professionally and personally. Getting to that sweet fruit of resolution benefits us in most area's of life.

As an example of the fluidity of conflict styles;  I use an avoidant style with my neighbours by minimizing my interactions with them. The desired result is keeping calm waters around where I live. In my work I use more of a Collaborative/Compromising style of conflict management. It might be an interesting exercise to identify what kinds of conflict management styles you use in a variety of situations. What do you do if you are confronted with a Competitive style of conflict management? Do you fall into the same conflict style or do you use another kind to counteract the competition after all you can't compete with someone if they don't accept the challenge.  Sibling Rivalry is an example of this kind of conflict management style. Another interesting thing to do might be to think about how conflict either with neighbours or infact anyone has served to develop your personal growth in a positive way.

One thing we know for sure is that no man is an island and we all have neighbours. It's up to us how we manage our relationships with them. It's an area worth really thinking through because it could be an opportunity to develop your character, learn and practice some skills in building a social network and community. Perhaps taking the road of least resistance has worked for me but stunted my conflict management skills. I think it may have yet I have decided that's the best option for me. This is the kind of thing I'm avoiding :).  The experts all agree that having a good social network of support be it with neighbours, social support groups, even the friendships formed in our online communities are a healthy thing to incorporate in your life. It is important to be part of mankind.

References

Phillipson et al "Family and Community Life of older people, social networks and Social Supports in three urban areas" (2000)

Dijker A. et al "Social Integration of people with intellectual disability insights from a social psychological research programme" (n/d)

Folger, Poole, Stutman "Working Through Conflict Strategies for Relationships, Groups and Organisations" edition 7 (2013)

It wasn't me, it was you

It's so easy when we are in any kind of relationship with our kids, with our partners, our parents even our work colleagues and friends to focus on the other person.  Its much harder to hold up a mirror and look at our own actions. When we look out the window we are looking at the impact we have on others and the impact they have on us and what we can do to change the direction things are going in. When we look in the mirror we are looking at self development why the thing we do work and what isn't working in creating the best version of yourself. To be really developing yourself from the inside and grow and learn about yourself in the world a mirror is what you need as well as a window. This concept is not a new one however, I learnt about it from Stephen Covey. Socrates when facing death said, "The unexamined life is not worth living". He was executed for encouraging in people their ability to consider and question life their own actions and those of others. His friend Plato continued Socrates work and philosophy of examining life.  These teachings are the foundation of many psychological theories in particular existentialism.

As a counselor and a nurse I see my role as a bit of a guide through the journey of life and sometimes death for my clients.  People, particularly those facing death, have talked to me for many hours about what they have seen when looking in the mirror and out the window. They are summarising to me their journey when they share their story with me. I've learned a lot from this experience and undoubtedly this experience has changed my outlook of life, both in the mirror and out the window. Mind you I still find it really hard to examine myself critically and hear criticism of myself. I'm not perfect though and I know these things are valuable to me.

This week I've been completely bombarded with people who are looking out the window. Its a tricky job to hold up a mirror for other people. Sometimes it feels impossible and I have been examining ways in which I can do this job a little bit better without sounding too counselorily.  If you are looking in the mirror and seeing nothing to improve or nothing that could be changed then you might have a bigger problem than most of us. If you look in the mirror and keep blaming the people outside the window for the course of your life then perhaps the work you have to do will be more involved. I recently asked a person "what was going on for you, how did you contribute to the demise of that relationship".  He then replied "I couldn't handle her ...." He was still looking out the window, the whole conversation revolved around what was wrong with her and nothing could be changed about him. He looked to me to find areas for him to work on. He thought a stranger was more qualified to assess his behaviour and character. This is a person who is saying "It wasn't me, it was you" and is unlikely to develop his character beyond his current developmental stage.

On the other hand I was speaking with a friend of mine who started the conversation about the demise of his relationship "I've really learned a lot about what I did wrong and how to improve myself..." This is a person with higher self awareness who isn't looking to blame the other person is looking to improve himself. My friend will learn a lot in the autopsy of this relationship and be less likely to bring negative aspects into the next relationship he embarks on. He will develop his character and learn from his mistakes and his successes.

We all do autopsy reports on our past relationships sifting through the bones and flesh of what went wrong. In doing this we come to terms with the end of our relationship and begin the grieving process. This is either an opportunity to grow and learn and stop pointing the finger out the window and saying it was you it wasn't me. It's a time to reflect on what you did well and what you didn't do well.  It's all about becoming a better version of yourself.

Father's Day

It would be remiss of me not to write something about the importance of Fathers on Father's Day. My father has said "Son's are for their Mothers and Daughters are for their Fathers". Lucky me I have four sons. My son wrote about his idea of fatherhood beautifully in his step-father's eulogy. "A father is the person who teaches you how to be a man in the world".  I would extend that concept to include a father is also, to women, the person who teaches you how you should be treated by men in the world. They serve an example by which we define "what a man is, how a man behaves within the world we live in, so that women know what to look for and what to avoid and men know what to do. This is pretty much in alignment with Freud's belief that women seek out their father and men seek to become their father. This is an oversimplification of a complex theory, I realise this. If you would like to know more about Freud and his theories follow this link.

I was having a discussion with a young guy who was a member of a "modern" family that is one that is made up of step fathers and mothers half siblings and full siblings and stepsiblings. He was telling me about how great it is to have all these adults and siblings in his life as points of reference. He is a very fortunate fellow as all the adults get along very well together and work as a team in the parenting of their family.  This is the ideal situation and an example of how divorce and separation has the potential of becoming a wonderful asset to a child growing up rather than a terrible burden. I wish we could all mirror such wonderful role models.

Our families do form the foundation of who we become and we should be fully aware of this as we become parents.  Fathers are often under-rated in the importance of children's lives. However, I believe they are equally important to each gendered child and relationships with fathers should always be maintained as much as possible.  However, if there is a risk to a child from either parent that should also be considered. Not every parent is automatically focused on selfless parenting with the child being the top priority.  One look at the headlines where a mother or father has taken the life of their child or allowed a partner to kill their child demonstrates what a huge weight is on the courts in deciding custody arrangements. There's no real way of telling what might happen in the future and no rule to go by to ensure the safety of children in these custody agreements.

On a lighter note Dad's can be wonderful.  My Father who I always called "Mo" for reasons nobody has ever explained to me, was the life of my birthday parties, when he took out his false teeth and pretended to be igor (a thing from the 70's) chasing children around the back garden of my family home. He started the chess club at the local primary school and told terrible dad jokes.  Everyone wanted to go to the swimming and sports carnivals in our family car so they could be around "Mo". Sadly, my parents divorced because they are human and filled with all kinds of foibles my father didn't really get to be a big part of my life after that.  We know better now and Dad's are encouraged to have more access and they fight harder for it.  Keep fighting for equal time Dad's your kids need you for at least 50% of their time.

Happy Father's Day

Avoiding Carer Burnout

If you are working in a profession which involves you giving emotional support to others you may well suffer from burnout. The end result of burning out of giving can lead to you feeling depleted physically, emotionally and mentally. It is avoidable through good time management and focusing on your own self care.  This is not to say that you wont have times where you just can't give or care any more.  This will happen. That's when you need to have a break. Unfortunately for many of us our work is casual which doesn't include paid holidays. Perhaps this is why burnout has become so prevalent in the caring professions recently. Regular breaks are as good as a holiday and focusing on yourself rather than your clients might be a good start.  It's very easy to lose that focus.

I remember how hurt I was when I had been working for a young woman for three years and then got another job somewhere else.  Our paths crossed some years later. The young woman smiled at me, I could see that she had no recollection of who I was.  I had seen this young woman nearly every day for 6 hours a day for three years. I was just one of a faceless army of support workers she had, had in her 30 years of life. People coming and going being close then never seeing them again.

That old cognitive bias lead me to believe that somehow I had been special in her life because she had been special in mine, I could never forget her. This is an example of why you should always put yourself first and everyone else after you.  I think most people working in caring professions will realize the importance of prioritizing your own needs yet surprisingly there is a very high burnout rate in these professions due to the fact that we can't seem to walk the walk as far as self care goes. As with everything practicing skills makes us better at them. Self care is a skill us carers need to practice.

Inlets and Outlets are one of my favourite ways to consider my energy and mental health.  I think we all have heard about outlets these are places where we vent  our frustrations in healthy ways such as going to the gym, running, painting any activity the expends energy and feelings is an outlet.  We let out emotions. Inlets are activities that regenerate our strengths things that we put into ourselves like meditation, going for a massage, being spoiled by our partners or friends these are activities in which we receive something usually nurturing toward ourselves. Strangely, I've noticed that people who work in caring professions are very good at giving and not so good at receiving.  I've seen some nursing colleagues positively squirm at the idea of allowing themselves a day of self care or letting their partner do something for them or even ask for help.  I'm not sure about the origins of why this is a problem for us givers to switch roles to be takers.  It would make an interesting topic to research that is for sure.

In the medical field there's a bit of elitism regarding how hard you can push yourself.  There's a culture of "we all did it tough, you're going to do it tough too".  Doctors and nurses working without adequate sleep is often seen as a badge that is worn with pride. It's such an unhealthy approach to work of any kind.  In my opinion when in the caring professions where life and death decisions are being made it seems the height of stupidity to be operating without adequate sleep and nutrition.

When I first started working as an Assistant In Nursing I encountered this horrid attitude.  I spoke to my father about it and said I'm afraid I'm going to make a mistake because I'm so tired.  He said next time they say something along the lines of "We use to do it much harder, what's wrong with you, simply say we used to live in caves too".  I tried it  and it worked.

Standing up against a culture of work until you drop is hard.  The way I see it is; if that's how they want to work that's fine for them.  If they want to do four shifts in a row and go around with their chest puffed out then that's fine.  Let them feel better than me they obviously have a lot riding on it. I love myself and I care enough about my clients to be aware of my personal boundaries  to know what I can do to perform my best.  I certainly cannot do four shifts back to back and do a good job. I lost a job because I chose not to do those kind of shifts every week. I was happy to lose that job.

Life is in fact not short, with any luck, the average life expectancy has increased a lot.  Its not unusual for people to live well into their late 80's and early 90's these days. The decisions you make now will last through your lifetime.  If you push yourself too hard you will hurt yourself. There are lifelong consequences such as, having an emotional and mental breakdown. It's a well known fact now that shift workers life expectancy is shorter than those who work within normal hours.  That might be all about pushing the limits in these professions. Pushing past your limitations isn't what I would call a good thing, extending your limits gradually, learning about personal boundaries and extending your capabilities through training, education and mentorship these things are fine. Smashing your head up against your limitations, denying your body food and rest, not such a smart move.

These things not only impact on you, they impact on important people to you, your family and friends.  These people are generally the people who have your best interest at heart. If you asked them if they wanted you to work four shifts in a row back to back I'm pretty sure they would not hesitate in telling you that it's a dumb idea. It's not selfish to prioritise yourself its sensible. Stand up for yourself because nobody else is going to. The organisations that you work for are interested in what you can do for them and even the nicest places are busy filling shifts and you are not the main priority.

The general rule is that after awhile people learn what you are capable of and if you do a great job at work, your clients will report back to your employer how wonderful you are and everyone will be happy. If you do your best job when you are at work it reflects well on the organisation you work for and you become an asset to them. It then becomes in their best interest to stick within your boundaries and not ask you to do more than you are capable of.

I intend to live into my 90's I want to be a fit healthy 90 year old, break the mold of shift workers dying young.  I hope that you join me in advocating for self care starting with yourself. Love is grand and we should first start by loving ourselves.  I was thinking about how I could  define the role of all people who care for others and this is what I came up with. An important sentence in the overall life story of others. We are important but we are only part of a person's story.  It's up to us to make our role as carers an important part of our own story and not the whole story.

Caring for Others

Last week I wrote about caring for yourself, loving yourself and accepting who you are warts and all. This week I'm going to be writing about caring for others. I have a few years experience in the area of caring on a professional level and a few more years experience in caring for others personally. Giving to others can be a very rewarding thing.  If we all asked ourselves what we could do to support and care for others in an altruistic manner then the world would, I'm sure, be a better place. Altruism is the key to all genuine giving and unfortunately it's rarely the reason why people enter into caring professions or stay in them.  Organisations I have worked for have never used the word or the sentiment of altruistic giving of care in their "Mission Statements".  Being able to give to others in an altruistic manner requires intelligence, compassion, acceptance and the power to let go of power. It requires the reward of giving to be about seeing another person take the power over their own life or circumstance. It requires the giver to let go and be happy to give without feeling the need to be told thank you or to feel the warm fuzzy of gratitude from another person. It's getting the warm fuzzy feeling and the sentiment of gratitude to come from yourself not the other person.

I've had many conversations with fellow support workers, bosses and even friends who start off the process of giving and then find themselves angry, frustrated and feeling under valued because the recipient of their thoughtful, loving actions didn't respond with gratitude sometimes the person has been gruff or rude to them.  This lack of response from the recipient doesn't surprise me, its really humiliating to have to have someone in your home doing your housework for you, seeing you naked in the shower, seeing all your personal stuff around the house and seeing you vulnerable.  They do all of the stuff you wish you could do. The support workers are buzzing around, chatting to you then they leave and there you are still stuck in your wheelchair.

I don't expect a thank you for what I do. I just do it, I do the best job that I can in the most dignified way I can. I'm getting paid for what I do and that's my reward. My bonus reward comes from doing the job well and if I can shine a bit of light and happiness to my clients then thats great.  If I can get a laugh or a smile or lighten the atmosphere then that's even better.  I enjoy meeting these people I work with and hearing their stories, I like doing my job.  I like caring for people. I do the same for my friends. I like to hear what's troubling my friends, I like to help them in whatever way I can, maybe not giving them a shower but in other ways, sure. I do the giving for them. To see their happy faces is my reward.  I don't need a thank you.

It does happen that I work for people who are so sad, so angry, so depleted of any humanity that they just can't accept the care they receive.  Then its my job to hear all about it. To wear the complaint that I know they are going to make about me when I'm gone. When this happens I know that it's about what is going on for them and nothing to do with me.  They don't want to be grateful they don't want to say thank you and in fact they want to hurt me in whatever way they can because they are so angry at the world.  They can't lash out at the circumstances around them so they lash out at the support worker who has come to clean their house or who has come to give them a shower or take them shopping. Nothing I can do is going to be good enough for these people.

These people are career wreckers and they are relentless. They won't stop until they see that you've been sacked.  I'm really good at picking up on who these people are and I usually only do one shift with them and make sure I never go back. I always end the shift by saying "Thank you for having me in your home. I do hope things improve for you".  As I walk away I am relieved, I feel sad that these people have reached this point and I know that I am not responsible for their feelings. I wait for the call from my work which will be the complaint.   Luckily I work at amazing organisation, Care Agency Services that know and value me enough to realise that these complaints are usually lies and support me by keeping me employed. The gentle way in which the staff in the office deliver these complaints is much appreciated by me, it can't be easy. This has not always been the case, other organisations have dragged me over the coals and punished me by reducing my hours and some have been verbally abusive. In the forefront of my mind I am saying to myself.  All I can do is my best, I've done my best. Who owns the problem here? The other people. It is just wonderful working for a place where I don't feel alone when complaints are made. That my version of events is believed. This is a gift to me.

To provide care for others really requires this kind of ability to be confident in how you provide that care and to be able to do the care from a place of selflessness.  I don't expect my children to say thank you when I care for them because I know that they are thankful, I don't really need to hear the words. I don't expect my friends to be thankful I already know that they are, I don't need a card in the mail to express their thanks. I don't expect my clients to say thank you, most times it's just understood that care is provided for obvious reasons and the thanks is not necessary.  More importantly I've cared for them from a place of love and selflessness that is altruistic their improved life is my reward I don't need to have a card or hear the words, although most of my family, friends, clients and my bosses do say thank you, there's really no need. I'm happy to do what I can. If you have your nose out of joint because you didn't get a thank you, maybe you should ask yourself why you embarked on that act in the first place. Are you burnt out, this is a common condition or place for people in caring professions to end up. There are specific steps you can take to avoid burnout which I will discuss next week.

Until next Sunday enjoy the art of giving in an altruistic manner and spread the love :)

Honesty with the Most Important Person

I was reminded this week about how important it is to be honest with the most important person in your life, that person is you. Nobody is perfect however, badly we may want to be.  The most important relationship you will ever has is the one that you have with yourself.  Being self aware isn't crucial to life however, I think it really is crucial to self development both professional and personal. I know that sometimes this is like fumbling around in the dark not really knowing what is wrong but knowing that something is really wrong.  Sometimes it's glaringly obvious to everyone else and yet you are unable to see it in yourself.  At other times you know that you are going in the wrong direction or are being less than honest with yourself yet you lack the emotional energy or will to do anything about it.  For other people self awareness is so far off their personal radar they have not one single clue and blame everyone else in their lives for the things that are going wrong.

How do we become self aware? How do we know we are not just beating ourselves up? How do we know that other people aren't just being mean when they make a criticism? Are our instincts good or are they so far off base that it's unbelievable? Do you catch your family and friends rolling their eyes in disbelief? There's really three parts to ourself image.  First of all there's the part that we project to others, this would include how we are at work or how we behave with strangers. Secondly, there's the person that we would like to be and that's our fantastical image that we present to ourselves an example of this might be thinking you are a wonderful human being but in fact are pretty cruel to the people around you or you think you are a faultless parent.There is no such thing as a faultless parent by the way just ask my kids. Thirdly, the person that you actually are, and this is the person that you really should get to know. It might not be a bad idea to really fall madly and deeply in love with that person.  That would be unconditional love. The love where you accept that you are perfectly imperfect and are still a lovable human.

Being open to criticism is hard, particularly hard for some of us.  Its an area you can work on.  I'm currently and in fact always working on this area.  This doesn't mean that you have to take onboard everything people say about you but, it's important to be a bit self reflective regarding criticisms. Every criticism you receive holds some value to you. If you are having difficulty accepting criticism this might stem from your childhood experience of criticism or you may have a fragile self esteem where criticism of any kind feels like a personal attack.  Its helpful to me to step back and ask myself is this criticism an accurate reflection of what I am projecting to this person? Is this assessment accurate in other ways? How could I improve how I express myself so I am projecting a more authentic version of myself?  Its really important that you fully believe the person who is criticizing you because their assessment holds an important key to your own self development and understanding of how others perceive you. It's equally important that your perception of yourself doesn't alter too much. There is a real danger of developing into a person who is suffering from the need to please disease. Your self esteem and self confidence can really suffer if you take criticism too seriously.

I'm always being criticised for being a smartass.  This assessment is an accurate assessment of me. I am a smartass, I don't perceive it as a negative thing, my sons pointed out the positive elements of smartass behave to me years ago.  Being a smartass and a woman can have negative connotations that I just don't want to bore you with today. As it turns out being a smartass is an attribute I have passed onto my children.  We are in fact a family of smartasses and our smartassery is the source of great humour and jocularity.  I would go so far as saying that our smartassness forms the backbone of our family culture.  If I tried to change this about myself I would be flirting with need to please disease and nobody should go there.  I do find arenas where my smartassness is fully appreciated for what it is  for example close friends and family members. I hold back on the smartassery where it's appropriate. At work I do a lot of thinking smartass things but not saying them out loud.  There are times that you have to ask yourself who has the problem here?  If it turns out that its the person giving the criticism that has the problem that's something for them to work on.  You can happily go on with your life and let that guy work on his own issues. If it's someone you love and you think they are ready to receive information about themselves then go ahead and gently mention something to them.

I recently read a criticism of one counsellor to another counsellor which went something like this "What are doing therapy for yourself on your clients are you?".  Something along those lines. This is not a very nice way to point out your reality to a person.  Another way to say this could have been "sounds like you've been really hurt before, are you completely over that?" or you could say "It's sometimes not helpful to clients when you self disclose about things like this." you could say "When I read that article I got the feeling that you had a lot of current pain going on that might harm your clients'.  No matter how you say things that are critical in nature you run the risk of the person becoming defensive and missing the important point.  One thing is certain when delivering criticism take the smartass button off because the other thing that is 100% guaranteed is that you are not perfect yourself.  If the person does become defensive which by the way is a normal response just apologize and give them some space to think about it. Don't get into a right fight nothing is achieved in those conversations not for you or for the other person. I find that accepting that I packaged the criticism ineffectively and dropping it like it's hot is the best approach for me. You might find a better way to handle defensiveness and if you have share it with me.

Protection not Paranoia

I have been considering what to write about this week.  I was working with a young family last week who asked me a question in relation to teaching their disabled children how to protect themselves against sexual predators.  This is a very serious topic for everyone actually.  These young parents were right to have concerns for their non-verbal children who are particularly vulnerable.  There's a fine line that we tread as parents to instill protections for our children without making the kids feel paranoid and overly cautious. There are a few things that are important issues to cover.

Education and Information are power  if your child is armed with information this gives them power. Pedaphiles are more likely to choose victims based on the increased likelihood that they will be able to continue the abuse.  A child who is educated and likely to tell increases the chances that the perpetrator will be caught.  There are plenty of children's stories out there these days that are aimed at educating young children in an age appropriate sensitive way.  Here are a couple of websites to start you off on your search for information: Protection and Power are key elements for kids.

Don't perpetuate myths when telling your kids about sexual abuse as the above video mentions sexual abuse is usually perpetrated by someone known to the child.  The idea of Stranger Danger is outdated and completely incorrect.  This adds another layer to the issue that is that you may be getting groomed as well as your child.  We have this image of bad guys being some evil looking fellow or lady however, the truth is that baddies come in all kinds of packages.  Sexual predators are likely to be smooth talking and charming. Its really important that we let go of the bad guy image fed to us in the media and childhood stories. This will enable our children and ourselves to be alert to follow our instincts.

Giving our children a few options in relation to telling someone if they have been abused is good.  Kids know what information will hurt their parents, most kids don't want to hurt their mum and dad. Having a couple of alternative people to tell is also a good idea.  For example an aunt, uncle or grandparent. A family doctor or counsellor is a good idea as well because, these people are once removed from you and might serve as a person to help your child tell you if they have been abused. Make sure that the alternative person is trustworthy and safe.  Its important that a discussion takes place between you and that person before you present this person as an alternate trusted person to your child.  This discussion should be between you and the other person and not involve the child. It maybe too confronting for that person to hear about a traumatic situation like child abuse.  It really is important to discuss these kinds of issues by asking the questions "would you feel comfortable if my child came to you and told you they had been abused? What kind of feelings would this provoke in you will you be able to put those feelings aside until my child has received all the support they require? What kind of support do you need to be my childs alternate support person?" Its important that your child has a few people that they can talk to comfortably about this and other life traumas. As parents we want to be that person but the truth is that we can't always be there and we do need our children to feel supported by more than just us.

Educating your child about personal boundaries is really important. Respecting those personal boundaries is equally important. Its one thing to buy a book about personal boundaries and tell your child they are the boss of their bodies.  It's another thing entirely to have your offered cuddle rejected or your kiss on the cheek rejected.  Its really important to walk the walk.  When your child says I don't want Grandma hugging me you have to support that choice. This will not go down well and you have to be prepared for that storm so that your child feels supported. It might be a good idea to word up your family and friends that you are working on teaching your child how to protect themselves and to expect some rejection as the child finds a balance in relation to having this power.  People generally overuse power when they first get it then settle down as time goes by.  I'm sure everyone has experienced a colleague who has just got a promotion letting the power go to their heads.  The same kind of thing happens when a child is given power.

I do hope this blog has helped a few people with this tricky yet essential topic of discussion. Luckily we are living in an age where Education and Information are around.  Spare a thought for the kids who were brought up in the era where children were seen and not heard.

References

Dara Deborah et al "Advances is Child Abuse Prevention Knowledge: The perspective of new leadership"

Burkhardt & Rotatori "Treatment and Prevention of Childhood Sexual Abuse"

Oats "The Spectrum of Child Abuse: Assessment, Treatment and Prevention".

Affairs and Broken Hearts

I have been inspired to write something about infidelity after watching a series of touching videos made by Lisa Testart you can watch this by clicking the link here.  These videos reminded me of how it is so important as therapist to firstly, not attribute blame to our clients. Its just not productive in any way shape or form and completely counterproductive to the healing process. Secondly, the affair can provoke such a mire of emotions for people to wade through. When I think about affairs I am reminded of Sir Walter Scott's quote "What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive". If you are interested in the full poem you can find it here. Although the poem is about a battle hard fought and is an example of how words can be art, the sentiment in this quote does ring true in regard to affairs.

There's a few opinions on affairs the existentialist, Heidegger believed that we learn about ourselves through others and to tie oneself to one person is to limit personal growth.  He's life partner did not agree with this. Yet, she must have accepted his view as they lived out their lives together. Evolutionary psychology suggests that the desire to have multiple partners stems from an instinctual need to  broaden the gene pool. My sons and I refer to this thinking as "lizard brain", we've evolved enough to use our higher thinking to overrule our instinctual desires I would hope.

Marriages can survive affairs, relationships can survive affairs there's a great deal of evidence to support this.  How do people overcome affairs? Lisa's tips are on the money in some respects.  Trust can build back up over time if the partner who has cheated can accept that they have to work on building that trust back.  If the partner who has been cheated on can forgive their partner and express their pain in a healthy way. This is probably best done with the assistance of a good therapist.  As I said early attributing blame is not a great thing, taking responsibility is another thing entirely.  This is something that people have to be gently encouraged to do for example they should not be told that their partner has cheated on them because of something they did.  As for the cheating partner my thoughts are that if you are going to tell your partner of your affair you had better think long and hard about why you are doing that.  If you are doing this to shed yourself of shame and guilt, then have another think about it. Your partner is not your confessor telling your partner is going to hurt them and you will have to be prepared for the onslaught of emotion that this will cause. You need to know why you cheated so you can give the answers your partner deserves. If it has something to do with what is going on in the relationship be honest about that. You could always do a bit of soul searching keep your affair to yourself and never ever do it again and wear your own guilt and shame for the rest of your days. You could make the decision to continue in your marriage and try to address why you have cheated without divulging why or you could simply end the relationship with your partner if you are not invested enough to remain faithful or to negotiate an open relationship with them. Its true what people don't know doesn't hurt them.

Statistics tell us that most people who cheat are trying to find or recreate the lost feelings they once had with their partner. However, I have heard of other reasons like "I just couldn't help myself", "I accidently did it" and my personal favourite "I just did it because I could".

Affairs from my own point of view are best avoided.  My attitude about them has changed as I've matured. When I was younger I felt that affairs are deal breakers now that I'm a bit older and wiser I think affairs are part of the human condition. Depending on the reasons and the people involved they may still be a deal breaker however, they might serve to strengthen a relationship if the couple can work through the emotions, thoughts and circumstances surrounding the affair. Both Cheater and Cheatee must ask themselves "Can I weather the storm?"

References

John Gottman
Baun
Schnieder & Krugg
Simon Hampton

THE POWER OF PERCEPTION AND SELF ESTEEM

The power of perception and self esteem, its all about that inner voice. That's a voice that can be controlled with practice, it is based on perception. I saw a movie about the famous Marilyn Monroe, she was walking down the main street with a fellow student actor who didn't believe that she was the famous Marilyn Monroe.  His view was based on the fact that nobody was recognising her, despite the pair walking down a main street.  She was wearing tracksuit pants and a t-shirt, her hair was tied back, she hugged her text books close to her body. She promptly replied to him "That's because I'm not being Marilyn Monroe right now". She untied her hair, made her t-shirt into a short tank top by deftly making a knot in it to expose a low cleavage, she passed the text books to her fellow student, straightened her posture, thrusting out her chest then walked in the famous sexy way indicative of the image that was Marilyn. She took about 10 steps down the street, to be mobbed by fans who only moments ago had not seen her.  This is an example of perception.  How we are perceived by others, how we think about ourselves and how these perceptions affect our interactions with the world around us.

I think its very important not to impose our own beliefs onto anyone else. We are all a product of our environment our biological make up and our lived experience. We see the world through filters that can sometimes led to misconceptions about others and ourselves. How we receive and interpret information can be dependent on so many things that are completely unreliable for example our memory, the family culture in which we were bought up, the country and it's culture, our religious and political beliefs.  These filters can distort reality. It takes a very disciplined mind to let go of these preconceptions and view the world with an open yet critical mind.

Being aware that your world view is affected by a variety of elements is an excellent starting point. To question some of your own long held beliefs is not always an easy thing to do. This can cause emotional discomfort, mental stress and in some cases physical symptoms of anxiety. People don't have to question their beliefs or perceptions. We can sit comfortably with our beliefs and happily go through life without questioning anything.  People have happy lives accepting  reality as it is presented to them without question. Some people live out tortuous existences believing that they are doomed to stay married to a person who is abusive. A child who has been told that they are fat and ugly will always believe they are fat and ugly. That child may even make themselves fat and ugly. Creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Its not an easy task to unravel these beliefs or perceptions of the world, to let them go can led to a path in which you are virtually endeavoring to remake yourself, change your view of the world. It's a job that requires on going maintenance, lots of support and a bucket load of inner fortitude. However, it is possible to change and grow yourself into the person you wish to become, just like Marilyn could choose to be the anonymous Norma Jean or the Movie Star icon.

I often say to people who are experiencing anxiety in relation to changing themselves that it's like cleaning out a messy cupboard. You are pulling everything out, sorting through what you want to keep and what you want to discard. It  looks a lot worse than it really is, as time goes on it gets better. It's a confronting and emotional process to chuck out beliefs that have been with us all our lives, even though we know deep down they are unhealthy for us. People can feel that they are rejecting their parent or their culture or even themselves when they change these long held beliefs. This is where it becomes important to acknowledge that you are not rejecting your parent just their behaviors or their choices in parenting. It is entirely possible to love your parents and reject their ideas. We are more than ideas and behaviors. I disagree with my mother and fathers choice to use smacking as a method of parenting. When I made a choice to parent in a different way I was not rejecting my parents. We agree to disagree on parenting, we still enjoy the same movies, music and favorite recipes.

It's also very liberating and freeing to thoughtfully choose your life path.  It can be exciting to redefine yourself.  It's really great when you look in the cupboard and see everything there for what it really is.  Occasionally you'll have to re-clean it and examine where you've gone wrong and get things back together.

You don't have to get counselling to change yourself or your behavior however, I think it's a much easier process if you have someone who can act as a guide.  Someone who has had some training and possibly some life experience.  I started going to counselling myself as a 16 year old. I go back whenever I feel I'm in need of a top up. Unlike the kitchen cupboard some of the things that you look at  in your emotional, social and cultural past may cause pain, confusion and a sense of groundlessness. A sense that you really don't know anything, you don't know where to begin or how things will end. Having someone who is a professional who has tread this path with others, who knows that it's possible to have a happy ending can give you a perceptive which is hopeful and positive.

It's very easy when examining our lives to get stuck in all the terrible things that have gone on. Counselor are trained to identify strengths and are able to approach the journey with fresh eyes that are non-judgmental and hold you in unconditional positive regard. I know in my training at ACAP students learn to be; self aware, are encouraged to assist potential clients with an open mind, an open heart with a professional approach. The aim always being to assist clients in self education and self development. We do this by utilizing our thorough understanding of counseling methods and theories to find an approach which is tailored to each individual client we see. This is what makes going to a counselor different from chatting to your friends. A chat with a counselor is a meaningful conversation with a purpose based on the research and practice of many therapists and theorist that have passed along this information. This is not to say there is no value in chatting to your friends it's just a different type of conversation that you have with a counselor.

People sometimes have the perception that counselors should be people who never have problems or marriage break downs. However, counselors and psychologists are just humans who make mistakes too. We are encouraged to go to counselling ourselves, we are encouraged to be self aware.  It is a professional requirement that we have special professional counselling that focuses on how we do our job as a counselor and how we can improve. This is called professional supervision.

I consider my counselling experience like going to the GP to monitor my thyroid condition and general health.  I work in an emotionally demanding job as a nurse so it stands to reason that I should go to a counselor to address some of the issues that affect me personally and professionally.  I think of it as part of keeping myself healthy. The stigma surrounding counselling and therapy of this kind is based on a faulty cultural belief in my opinion. To question these kind of beliefs can lead you to live a much more authentic healthy life.  It's ideal if we look after our physical health, our emotional and our mental health.  Counselors and psychologists are the experts in mental health so, why not go and see one if you are on shaky ground emotionally or mentally. We also should look after our social needs whether that is taking some time to be alone or connecting with friends and family.

The current research into longevity and healthy lives suggest that people do well  in life generally, when they have high degrees of cognitive hardiness, good social networks, awareness of mental health and regular exercise.  These things may seem hard to achieve however, if we break it down to going for a walk every so often, catching up with friends on the phone or going out for coffee. Trying to be honest with yourself in relation to how your are emotionally coping with the demands of life, it's not that much to ask. Consider the benefits that you will receive by putting this little bit of effort into yourself.  If you do find that you are struggling don't be afraid to ask for help, get a referral to a social worker, counselor or psychologist. It really isn't worth risking your own mental health over a faulty perception that others may have in relation to going to see a mental health professional.