This week's blog is dedicated to April. A lovely girl who is the partner of one of my son's friends. Who has been having some communication difficulties with her neighbour who likes loud music on a Sunday morning. This experience made me think about my neighbours. I don't really have close relationships with my neighbours. I really only talk to one or two of my neighbours occasionally. Neighbours for some people form an important part of the social network around them and in some cases are part of the extended family. In days gone by I think this was more the case than it is today. It is disturbing that people are so isolated from their physical communities yet understandable as privacy and protection are important to people as well as social interactions.
My mother in law enjoys a close knit community in her neighbourhood. This community serves as a network of support and puts my mind at rest knowing that these communities are looking after my mother in law and my own mother who also enjoys a neighbourhood of social activity. My husband followed in his mother's footsteps by developing close relationships with all our neighbours. It wasn't unusual for me to come home from work to find my husband making coffee for five or six of the neighbours while they were sitting out in our garden. Leigh approached the neighbours with an open heart and an open door policy. After a 10 hour shift however, all I wanted to do was flop down on the couch and not talk to anyone. Although I did admire his ability to let others into his life so warmly. Unfortunately he was taken advantage of fairly often and our peace and serenity paid a hefty price on more than one occasion. I did see things deteriorate from love to hate quickly and this is why I choose to wave and say hello and engage in polite conversation with my neighbours. I build my own social networks in other areas after all I have to live here and if things go wrong it's very uncomfortable living with hostile neighbours. I play it safe.
What do the experts say about neighbours and social networks. Folger, Poole and Stutman believe that working through neighbourhood disputes serves as an arena where conflict management can produce a growth experience. We can identify power dynamics, identify issues of conflict and move through the process rethink how we see these problems and work toward cultivating a collaborative attitude. April's problem of neighbourhood noise problems warrants a chapter in their book Working Through Conflict Strategies for Relationships, Groups and Organizations.
There are a few conflict styles that these guys use which seem to be an accurate description; Competing, Avoiding, Accommodating, Compromising and Collaborative. It is possible to move through these styles of conflict management. It can be situationally based and highly dependant on knowing which style the other person or people are using to develop ideas on how to counter things like the natural reaction of defensiveness. Nobody likes to be confronted by a neighbour or boss and conflicts do arise in the natural course of any relationship actually. One of my son's sagely described conflict as a gnarly old tree that's difficult to climb and resolution as a sweet fruit that you get after you climb the tree. How we choose to deal with conflict reflects on us professionally and personally. Getting to that sweet fruit of resolution benefits us in most area's of life.
As an example of the fluidity of conflict styles; I use an avoidant style with my neighbours by minimizing my interactions with them. The desired result is keeping calm waters around where I live. In my work I use more of a Collaborative/Compromising style of conflict management. It might be an interesting exercise to identify what kinds of conflict management styles you use in a variety of situations. What do you do if you are confronted with a Competitive style of conflict management? Do you fall into the same conflict style or do you use another kind to counteract the competition after all you can't compete with someone if they don't accept the challenge. Sibling Rivalry is an example of this kind of conflict management style. Another interesting thing to do might be to think about how conflict either with neighbours or infact anyone has served to develop your personal growth in a positive way.
One thing we know for sure is that no man is an island and we all have neighbours. It's up to us how we manage our relationships with them. It's an area worth really thinking through because it could be an opportunity to develop your character, learn and practice some skills in building a social network and community. Perhaps taking the road of least resistance has worked for me but stunted my conflict management skills. I think it may have yet I have decided that's the best option for me. This is the kind of thing I'm avoiding :). The experts all agree that having a good social network of support be it with neighbours, social support groups, even the friendships formed in our online communities are a healthy thing to incorporate in your life. It is important to be part of mankind.
References
Phillipson et al "Family and Community Life of older people, social networks and Social Supports in three urban areas" (2000)
Dijker A. et al "Social Integration of people with intellectual disability insights from a social psychological research programme" (n/d)
Folger, Poole, Stutman "Working Through Conflict Strategies for Relationships, Groups and Organisations" edition 7 (2013)
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