I have been inspired to write something about infidelity after watching a series of touching videos made by Lisa Testart you can watch this by clicking the link here. These videos reminded me of how it is so important as therapist to firstly, not attribute blame to our clients. Its just not productive in any way shape or form and completely counterproductive to the healing process. Secondly, the affair can provoke such a mire of emotions for people to wade through. When I think about affairs I am reminded of Sir Walter Scott's quote "What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive". If you are interested in the full poem you can find it here. Although the poem is about a battle hard fought and is an example of how words can be art, the sentiment in this quote does ring true in regard to affairs.
There's a few opinions on affairs the existentialist, Heidegger believed that we learn about ourselves through others and to tie oneself to one person is to limit personal growth. He's life partner did not agree with this. Yet, she must have accepted his view as they lived out their lives together. Evolutionary psychology suggests that the desire to have multiple partners stems from an instinctual need to broaden the gene pool. My sons and I refer to this thinking as "lizard brain", we've evolved enough to use our higher thinking to overrule our instinctual desires I would hope.
Marriages can survive affairs, relationships can survive affairs there's a great deal of evidence to support this. How do people overcome affairs? Lisa's tips are on the money in some respects. Trust can build back up over time if the partner who has cheated can accept that they have to work on building that trust back. If the partner who has been cheated on can forgive their partner and express their pain in a healthy way. This is probably best done with the assistance of a good therapist. As I said early attributing blame is not a great thing, taking responsibility is another thing entirely. This is something that people have to be gently encouraged to do for example they should not be told that their partner has cheated on them because of something they did. As for the cheating partner my thoughts are that if you are going to tell your partner of your affair you had better think long and hard about why you are doing that. If you are doing this to shed yourself of shame and guilt, then have another think about it. Your partner is not your confessor telling your partner is going to hurt them and you will have to be prepared for the onslaught of emotion that this will cause. You need to know why you cheated so you can give the answers your partner deserves. If it has something to do with what is going on in the relationship be honest about that. You could always do a bit of soul searching keep your affair to yourself and never ever do it again and wear your own guilt and shame for the rest of your days. You could make the decision to continue in your marriage and try to address why you have cheated without divulging why or you could simply end the relationship with your partner if you are not invested enough to remain faithful or to negotiate an open relationship with them. Its true what people don't know doesn't hurt them.
Statistics tell us that most people who cheat are trying to find or recreate the lost feelings they once had with their partner. However, I have heard of other reasons like "I just couldn't help myself", "I accidently did it" and my personal favourite "I just did it because I could".
Affairs from my own point of view are best avoided. My attitude about them has changed as I've matured. When I was younger I felt that affairs are deal breakers now that I'm a bit older and wiser I think affairs are part of the human condition. Depending on the reasons and the people involved they may still be a deal breaker however, they might serve to strengthen a relationship if the couple can work through the emotions, thoughts and circumstances surrounding the affair. Both Cheater and Cheatee must ask themselves "Can I weather the storm?"
References
John Gottman
Baun
Schnieder & Krugg
Simon Hampton
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