It wasn't me, it was you

It's so easy when we are in any kind of relationship with our kids, with our partners, our parents even our work colleagues and friends to focus on the other person.  Its much harder to hold up a mirror and look at our own actions. When we look out the window we are looking at the impact we have on others and the impact they have on us and what we can do to change the direction things are going in. When we look in the mirror we are looking at self development why the thing we do work and what isn't working in creating the best version of yourself. To be really developing yourself from the inside and grow and learn about yourself in the world a mirror is what you need as well as a window. This concept is not a new one however, I learnt about it from Stephen Covey. Socrates when facing death said, "The unexamined life is not worth living". He was executed for encouraging in people their ability to consider and question life their own actions and those of others. His friend Plato continued Socrates work and philosophy of examining life.  These teachings are the foundation of many psychological theories in particular existentialism.

As a counselor and a nurse I see my role as a bit of a guide through the journey of life and sometimes death for my clients.  People, particularly those facing death, have talked to me for many hours about what they have seen when looking in the mirror and out the window. They are summarising to me their journey when they share their story with me. I've learned a lot from this experience and undoubtedly this experience has changed my outlook of life, both in the mirror and out the window. Mind you I still find it really hard to examine myself critically and hear criticism of myself. I'm not perfect though and I know these things are valuable to me.

This week I've been completely bombarded with people who are looking out the window. Its a tricky job to hold up a mirror for other people. Sometimes it feels impossible and I have been examining ways in which I can do this job a little bit better without sounding too counselorily.  If you are looking in the mirror and seeing nothing to improve or nothing that could be changed then you might have a bigger problem than most of us. If you look in the mirror and keep blaming the people outside the window for the course of your life then perhaps the work you have to do will be more involved. I recently asked a person "what was going on for you, how did you contribute to the demise of that relationship".  He then replied "I couldn't handle her ...." He was still looking out the window, the whole conversation revolved around what was wrong with her and nothing could be changed about him. He looked to me to find areas for him to work on. He thought a stranger was more qualified to assess his behaviour and character. This is a person who is saying "It wasn't me, it was you" and is unlikely to develop his character beyond his current developmental stage.

On the other hand I was speaking with a friend of mine who started the conversation about the demise of his relationship "I've really learned a lot about what I did wrong and how to improve myself..." This is a person with higher self awareness who isn't looking to blame the other person is looking to improve himself. My friend will learn a lot in the autopsy of this relationship and be less likely to bring negative aspects into the next relationship he embarks on. He will develop his character and learn from his mistakes and his successes.

We all do autopsy reports on our past relationships sifting through the bones and flesh of what went wrong. In doing this we come to terms with the end of our relationship and begin the grieving process. This is either an opportunity to grow and learn and stop pointing the finger out the window and saying it was you it wasn't me. It's a time to reflect on what you did well and what you didn't do well.  It's all about becoming a better version of yourself.