I have been considering what to write about this week. I was working with a young family last week who asked me a question in relation to teaching their disabled children how to protect themselves against sexual predators. This is a very serious topic for everyone actually. These young parents were right to have concerns for their non-verbal children who are particularly vulnerable. There's a fine line that we tread as parents to instill protections for our children without making the kids feel paranoid and overly cautious. There are a few things that are important issues to cover.
Education and Information are power if your child is armed with information this gives them power. Pedaphiles are more likely to choose victims based on the increased likelihood that they will be able to continue the abuse. A child who is educated and likely to tell increases the chances that the perpetrator will be caught. There are plenty of children's stories out there these days that are aimed at educating young children in an age appropriate sensitive way. Here are a couple of websites to start you off on your search for information: Protection and Power are key elements for kids.
Don't perpetuate myths when telling your kids about sexual abuse as the above video mentions sexual abuse is usually perpetrated by someone known to the child. The idea of Stranger Danger is outdated and completely incorrect. This adds another layer to the issue that is that you may be getting groomed as well as your child. We have this image of bad guys being some evil looking fellow or lady however, the truth is that baddies come in all kinds of packages. Sexual predators are likely to be smooth talking and charming. Its really important that we let go of the bad guy image fed to us in the media and childhood stories. This will enable our children and ourselves to be alert to follow our instincts.
Giving our children a few options in relation to telling someone if they have been abused is good. Kids know what information will hurt their parents, most kids don't want to hurt their mum and dad. Having a couple of alternative people to tell is also a good idea. For example an aunt, uncle or grandparent. A family doctor or counsellor is a good idea as well because, these people are once removed from you and might serve as a person to help your child tell you if they have been abused. Make sure that the alternative person is trustworthy and safe. Its important that a discussion takes place between you and that person before you present this person as an alternate trusted person to your child. This discussion should be between you and the other person and not involve the child. It maybe too confronting for that person to hear about a traumatic situation like child abuse. It really is important to discuss these kinds of issues by asking the questions "would you feel comfortable if my child came to you and told you they had been abused? What kind of feelings would this provoke in you will you be able to put those feelings aside until my child has received all the support they require? What kind of support do you need to be my childs alternate support person?" Its important that your child has a few people that they can talk to comfortably about this and other life traumas. As parents we want to be that person but the truth is that we can't always be there and we do need our children to feel supported by more than just us.
Educating your child about personal boundaries is really important. Respecting those personal boundaries is equally important. Its one thing to buy a book about personal boundaries and tell your child they are the boss of their bodies. It's another thing entirely to have your offered cuddle rejected or your kiss on the cheek rejected. Its really important to walk the walk. When your child says I don't want Grandma hugging me you have to support that choice. This will not go down well and you have to be prepared for that storm so that your child feels supported. It might be a good idea to word up your family and friends that you are working on teaching your child how to protect themselves and to expect some rejection as the child finds a balance in relation to having this power. People generally overuse power when they first get it then settle down as time goes by. I'm sure everyone has experienced a colleague who has just got a promotion letting the power go to their heads. The same kind of thing happens when a child is given power.
I do hope this blog has helped a few people with this tricky yet essential topic of discussion. Luckily we are living in an age where Education and Information are around. Spare a thought for the kids who were brought up in the era where children were seen and not heard.
References
Dara Deborah et al "Advances is Child Abuse Prevention Knowledge: The perspective of new leadership"
Burkhardt & Rotatori "Treatment and Prevention of Childhood Sexual Abuse"
Oats "The Spectrum of Child Abuse: Assessment, Treatment and Prevention".
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