Caring for Others

Last week I wrote about caring for yourself, loving yourself and accepting who you are warts and all. This week I'm going to be writing about caring for others. I have a few years experience in the area of caring on a professional level and a few more years experience in caring for others personally. Giving to others can be a very rewarding thing.  If we all asked ourselves what we could do to support and care for others in an altruistic manner then the world would, I'm sure, be a better place. Altruism is the key to all genuine giving and unfortunately it's rarely the reason why people enter into caring professions or stay in them.  Organisations I have worked for have never used the word or the sentiment of altruistic giving of care in their "Mission Statements".  Being able to give to others in an altruistic manner requires intelligence, compassion, acceptance and the power to let go of power. It requires the reward of giving to be about seeing another person take the power over their own life or circumstance. It requires the giver to let go and be happy to give without feeling the need to be told thank you or to feel the warm fuzzy of gratitude from another person. It's getting the warm fuzzy feeling and the sentiment of gratitude to come from yourself not the other person.

I've had many conversations with fellow support workers, bosses and even friends who start off the process of giving and then find themselves angry, frustrated and feeling under valued because the recipient of their thoughtful, loving actions didn't respond with gratitude sometimes the person has been gruff or rude to them.  This lack of response from the recipient doesn't surprise me, its really humiliating to have to have someone in your home doing your housework for you, seeing you naked in the shower, seeing all your personal stuff around the house and seeing you vulnerable.  They do all of the stuff you wish you could do. The support workers are buzzing around, chatting to you then they leave and there you are still stuck in your wheelchair.

I don't expect a thank you for what I do. I just do it, I do the best job that I can in the most dignified way I can. I'm getting paid for what I do and that's my reward. My bonus reward comes from doing the job well and if I can shine a bit of light and happiness to my clients then thats great.  If I can get a laugh or a smile or lighten the atmosphere then that's even better.  I enjoy meeting these people I work with and hearing their stories, I like doing my job.  I like caring for people. I do the same for my friends. I like to hear what's troubling my friends, I like to help them in whatever way I can, maybe not giving them a shower but in other ways, sure. I do the giving for them. To see their happy faces is my reward.  I don't need a thank you.

It does happen that I work for people who are so sad, so angry, so depleted of any humanity that they just can't accept the care they receive.  Then its my job to hear all about it. To wear the complaint that I know they are going to make about me when I'm gone. When this happens I know that it's about what is going on for them and nothing to do with me.  They don't want to be grateful they don't want to say thank you and in fact they want to hurt me in whatever way they can because they are so angry at the world.  They can't lash out at the circumstances around them so they lash out at the support worker who has come to clean their house or who has come to give them a shower or take them shopping. Nothing I can do is going to be good enough for these people.

These people are career wreckers and they are relentless. They won't stop until they see that you've been sacked.  I'm really good at picking up on who these people are and I usually only do one shift with them and make sure I never go back. I always end the shift by saying "Thank you for having me in your home. I do hope things improve for you".  As I walk away I am relieved, I feel sad that these people have reached this point and I know that I am not responsible for their feelings. I wait for the call from my work which will be the complaint.   Luckily I work at amazing organisation, Care Agency Services that know and value me enough to realise that these complaints are usually lies and support me by keeping me employed. The gentle way in which the staff in the office deliver these complaints is much appreciated by me, it can't be easy. This has not always been the case, other organisations have dragged me over the coals and punished me by reducing my hours and some have been verbally abusive. In the forefront of my mind I am saying to myself.  All I can do is my best, I've done my best. Who owns the problem here? The other people. It is just wonderful working for a place where I don't feel alone when complaints are made. That my version of events is believed. This is a gift to me.

To provide care for others really requires this kind of ability to be confident in how you provide that care and to be able to do the care from a place of selflessness.  I don't expect my children to say thank you when I care for them because I know that they are thankful, I don't really need to hear the words. I don't expect my friends to be thankful I already know that they are, I don't need a card in the mail to express their thanks. I don't expect my clients to say thank you, most times it's just understood that care is provided for obvious reasons and the thanks is not necessary.  More importantly I've cared for them from a place of love and selflessness that is altruistic their improved life is my reward I don't need to have a card or hear the words, although most of my family, friends, clients and my bosses do say thank you, there's really no need. I'm happy to do what I can. If you have your nose out of joint because you didn't get a thank you, maybe you should ask yourself why you embarked on that act in the first place. Are you burnt out, this is a common condition or place for people in caring professions to end up. There are specific steps you can take to avoid burnout which I will discuss next week.

Until next Sunday enjoy the art of giving in an altruistic manner and spread the love :)