Patterns of Behaviour

The description of "Behaviour" has somehow evolved into meaning things people do which are disruptive or bad.  As I have worked in the Disability Service Sector, the word Behaviour has become very negative.  I worked for one organisation that attempted to call a Behaviour a Response. While these two things a similar the definitions are very different.  The problem with how we define behave is really more about our treatment of the person who is demonstrating this behaviour. We tend to attach behaviour to the concept of character and personality which blurs the lines between what a person does and who a person is.

To clear things up a behaviour is an action a person takes.  A toddler throwing a temper tantrum is an example of an action being taken. A response is a reaction to an event. A response is I pinch you, you say "ouch". A response is reactive and spontaneous.  I have an anaphylactic response to penicillin.  When I get angry I tend to yell and give lecturers. My behave is yelling and giving lectures the antecedent to this behaviour might be leaving dirty laundry in the bathroom. If I treat this as a response it almost mitigates my responsibility in the event of dirty laundry being left on the floor.  If you didn't leave dirty laundry on the floor, I wouldn't respond by yelling and screaming. A behaviour can be changed, a response is not so easy to change.  Just try getting pinched and not saying "ouch".

Now personality and traits are a different thing completely, worthy of a blog of their own.  So, let me say this your behaviour is not part of your personality or character. One of my parenting phrases constantly in use when my kids were young was "I love you very much, it's your behaviour I'm unhappy about".  This separates the behaviour from the person.  However, we can learn behaviours and this is how we end up sounding like our own parents when we ourselves become parents. You might have had an experience where you've been saying something to your children and your mother's words just came out of your own mouth.  This is why last week's learning about genograms can come in handy for recognising some of the behaviours that you may have inadvertently learned from your parents.  The good news is we can change behaviours.  Its very difficult to do.  I gave up smoking almost two decades ago, every now and then I'd love to have a cigarette.

Next week we will have a look at some of the ways behaviours can be changed.  Break down behaviours and replace bad behaviours with good ones.  Instead of yelling about the laundry on the floor we're going to behave like the adults we should be and be reasonable.  We might even learn to take this as an opportunity to reward the good behaviour of our partners or kids when they put their laundry in the washing basket.