Themes, Dreams and Patterns of Behaviour

If you've been reading my blog for awhile you will know how much I love to look for themes, dreams and patterns of behaviour.  It's always a surprise to me  how much looking for themes and patterns of behaviour can reveal about how problems manifest themselves in people's lives.  I did a lot of work with this myself when I first started therapy at the tender age of 16.  I found it so useful to understanding myself.  I carried this knowledge over to my work with people with disabilities and their families and I am often drawing a genogram in my mind when assessing people's stories. These patterns of behaviour tend to repeat themselves all through our lives.  What is truly amazing is how we can't often see them. Then just like an Escher Painting once the hidden picture is pointed out to us it's so glaringly obvious. Perhaps you've stood and looked at a painting trying to see something there, knowing that there is something more to the picture yet fail to see exactly what it is, then all of a sudden the image just pops out at you. The same kind of thing can happen with your own behaviours seeing how they impact on the lives around you. Where those behaviours sprang from can come from a long line of learning it from our families.

Freud believed that dreams were the key to unlocking the subconscious mind. The subconscious being the place where our true selves reside. Dreaming, a place to discover what is really going on with these patterns and themes we hide so well from ourselves. I've spoken before about self awareness and how difficult this is to master. In previous blogs I've spoken about self acceptance, loving ourselves without conditions. Accepting that imperfection is in fact perfect for the human condition. So much of these things are dependant upon seeing these themes in our lives our patterns of behaviour. Our awareness regarding these patterns is clouded by our own cognitive bias. Our desire to appear to others and ourselves as having it all together, being completely accomplished humans. Ironically the actual key to self awareness is accepting that we are not these things. We are all imperfect in some way and striving for perfection is admirable yet somehow meaningless if we are telling ourselves big old fibs about who we are.

Genograms are a wonderful way of opening up some lost family secrets. It's also a way of discovering how some of these themes and patterns of behaviour can be linked right back through many generations. The only way we can change some of these unhealthy patterns of behaviour is by knowing about them. Our family history can also be a source of finding great strengths handed down to us by our family members. In past blogs I have mentioned the theme of rebellious strong women in my family. For the next few weeks I'm going to focus on how we can find patterns of behaviour and themes of our lives.



References

Adam Phillips (1954) and Freud Zigman (1939) "The Freud Reader" Penguin Books (2006)

McGoldrick Monica, "The Genogram Journey: Reconnecting with your family" WW Norton & Company(2011)

Teyber Edward "Interpersonal Process in therapy: an integrated approach" Belmont, Calif Thomson/Brooks Cole (2006)

Love Thy Neighbour ...Maybe Not

This week's blog is dedicated to April.  A lovely girl who is the partner of one of my son's friends. Who has been having some communication difficulties with her neighbour who likes loud music on a Sunday morning. This experience made me think about my neighbours.  I don't really have close relationships with my neighbours.  I really only talk to one or two of my neighbours occasionally. Neighbours for some people form an important part of the social network around them and in some cases are part of the extended family. In days gone by I think this was more the case than it is today. It is disturbing that people are so isolated from their physical communities yet understandable as privacy and protection are important to people as well as social interactions.

My mother in law enjoys a close knit community in her neighbourhood. This community serves as a network of support and puts my mind at rest knowing that these communities are looking after my mother in law and my own mother who also enjoys a neighbourhood of social activity. My husband followed in his mother's footsteps by developing close relationships with all our neighbours.  It wasn't unusual for me to come home from work to find my husband making coffee for five or six of the neighbours while they were sitting out in our garden. Leigh approached the neighbours with an open heart and an open door policy. After a 10 hour shift however, all I wanted to do was flop down on the couch and not talk to anyone. Although I did admire his ability to let others into his life so warmly. Unfortunately he was taken advantage of fairly often and our peace and serenity paid a hefty price on more than one occasion. I did see things deteriorate from love to hate quickly and this is why I choose to wave and say hello and engage in polite conversation with my neighbours. I build my own social networks in other areas after all I have to live here and if things go wrong it's very uncomfortable living with hostile neighbours. I play it safe.

What do the experts say about neighbours and social networks. Folger, Poole and Stutman believe that working through neighbourhood disputes serves as an arena where conflict management can produce a growth experience. We can identify power dynamics, identify issues of conflict and move through the process rethink how we see these problems and work toward cultivating a collaborative attitude. April's problem of neighbourhood noise problems warrants a chapter in their book Working Through Conflict Strategies for Relationships, Groups and Organizations.

There are a few conflict styles that these guys use which seem to be an accurate description; Competing, Avoiding, Accommodating, Compromising and Collaborative. It is possible to move through these styles of conflict management. It can be situationally based and highly dependant on knowing which style the other person or people are using to develop ideas on how to counter things like the natural reaction of defensiveness. Nobody likes to be confronted by a neighbour or boss and conflicts do arise in the natural course of any relationship actually. One of my son's sagely described conflict as a gnarly old tree that's difficult to climb and resolution as a sweet fruit that you get after you climb the tree. How we choose to deal with conflict reflects on us professionally and personally. Getting to that sweet fruit of resolution benefits us in most area's of life.

As an example of the fluidity of conflict styles;  I use an avoidant style with my neighbours by minimizing my interactions with them. The desired result is keeping calm waters around where I live. In my work I use more of a Collaborative/Compromising style of conflict management. It might be an interesting exercise to identify what kinds of conflict management styles you use in a variety of situations. What do you do if you are confronted with a Competitive style of conflict management? Do you fall into the same conflict style or do you use another kind to counteract the competition after all you can't compete with someone if they don't accept the challenge.  Sibling Rivalry is an example of this kind of conflict management style. Another interesting thing to do might be to think about how conflict either with neighbours or infact anyone has served to develop your personal growth in a positive way.

One thing we know for sure is that no man is an island and we all have neighbours. It's up to us how we manage our relationships with them. It's an area worth really thinking through because it could be an opportunity to develop your character, learn and practice some skills in building a social network and community. Perhaps taking the road of least resistance has worked for me but stunted my conflict management skills. I think it may have yet I have decided that's the best option for me. This is the kind of thing I'm avoiding :).  The experts all agree that having a good social network of support be it with neighbours, social support groups, even the friendships formed in our online communities are a healthy thing to incorporate in your life. It is important to be part of mankind.

References

Phillipson et al "Family and Community Life of older people, social networks and Social Supports in three urban areas" (2000)

Dijker A. et al "Social Integration of people with intellectual disability insights from a social psychological research programme" (n/d)

Folger, Poole, Stutman "Working Through Conflict Strategies for Relationships, Groups and Organisations" edition 7 (2013)

It wasn't me, it was you

It's so easy when we are in any kind of relationship with our kids, with our partners, our parents even our work colleagues and friends to focus on the other person.  Its much harder to hold up a mirror and look at our own actions. When we look out the window we are looking at the impact we have on others and the impact they have on us and what we can do to change the direction things are going in. When we look in the mirror we are looking at self development why the thing we do work and what isn't working in creating the best version of yourself. To be really developing yourself from the inside and grow and learn about yourself in the world a mirror is what you need as well as a window. This concept is not a new one however, I learnt about it from Stephen Covey. Socrates when facing death said, "The unexamined life is not worth living". He was executed for encouraging in people their ability to consider and question life their own actions and those of others. His friend Plato continued Socrates work and philosophy of examining life.  These teachings are the foundation of many psychological theories in particular existentialism.

As a counselor and a nurse I see my role as a bit of a guide through the journey of life and sometimes death for my clients.  People, particularly those facing death, have talked to me for many hours about what they have seen when looking in the mirror and out the window. They are summarising to me their journey when they share their story with me. I've learned a lot from this experience and undoubtedly this experience has changed my outlook of life, both in the mirror and out the window. Mind you I still find it really hard to examine myself critically and hear criticism of myself. I'm not perfect though and I know these things are valuable to me.

This week I've been completely bombarded with people who are looking out the window. Its a tricky job to hold up a mirror for other people. Sometimes it feels impossible and I have been examining ways in which I can do this job a little bit better without sounding too counselorily.  If you are looking in the mirror and seeing nothing to improve or nothing that could be changed then you might have a bigger problem than most of us. If you look in the mirror and keep blaming the people outside the window for the course of your life then perhaps the work you have to do will be more involved. I recently asked a person "what was going on for you, how did you contribute to the demise of that relationship".  He then replied "I couldn't handle her ...." He was still looking out the window, the whole conversation revolved around what was wrong with her and nothing could be changed about him. He looked to me to find areas for him to work on. He thought a stranger was more qualified to assess his behaviour and character. This is a person who is saying "It wasn't me, it was you" and is unlikely to develop his character beyond his current developmental stage.

On the other hand I was speaking with a friend of mine who started the conversation about the demise of his relationship "I've really learned a lot about what I did wrong and how to improve myself..." This is a person with higher self awareness who isn't looking to blame the other person is looking to improve himself. My friend will learn a lot in the autopsy of this relationship and be less likely to bring negative aspects into the next relationship he embarks on. He will develop his character and learn from his mistakes and his successes.

We all do autopsy reports on our past relationships sifting through the bones and flesh of what went wrong. In doing this we come to terms with the end of our relationship and begin the grieving process. This is either an opportunity to grow and learn and stop pointing the finger out the window and saying it was you it wasn't me. It's a time to reflect on what you did well and what you didn't do well.  It's all about becoming a better version of yourself.

Father's Day

It would be remiss of me not to write something about the importance of Fathers on Father's Day. My father has said "Son's are for their Mothers and Daughters are for their Fathers". Lucky me I have four sons. My son wrote about his idea of fatherhood beautifully in his step-father's eulogy. "A father is the person who teaches you how to be a man in the world".  I would extend that concept to include a father is also, to women, the person who teaches you how you should be treated by men in the world. They serve an example by which we define "what a man is, how a man behaves within the world we live in, so that women know what to look for and what to avoid and men know what to do. This is pretty much in alignment with Freud's belief that women seek out their father and men seek to become their father. This is an oversimplification of a complex theory, I realise this. If you would like to know more about Freud and his theories follow this link.

I was having a discussion with a young guy who was a member of a "modern" family that is one that is made up of step fathers and mothers half siblings and full siblings and stepsiblings. He was telling me about how great it is to have all these adults and siblings in his life as points of reference. He is a very fortunate fellow as all the adults get along very well together and work as a team in the parenting of their family.  This is the ideal situation and an example of how divorce and separation has the potential of becoming a wonderful asset to a child growing up rather than a terrible burden. I wish we could all mirror such wonderful role models.

Our families do form the foundation of who we become and we should be fully aware of this as we become parents.  Fathers are often under-rated in the importance of children's lives. However, I believe they are equally important to each gendered child and relationships with fathers should always be maintained as much as possible.  However, if there is a risk to a child from either parent that should also be considered. Not every parent is automatically focused on selfless parenting with the child being the top priority.  One look at the headlines where a mother or father has taken the life of their child or allowed a partner to kill their child demonstrates what a huge weight is on the courts in deciding custody arrangements. There's no real way of telling what might happen in the future and no rule to go by to ensure the safety of children in these custody agreements.

On a lighter note Dad's can be wonderful.  My Father who I always called "Mo" for reasons nobody has ever explained to me, was the life of my birthday parties, when he took out his false teeth and pretended to be igor (a thing from the 70's) chasing children around the back garden of my family home. He started the chess club at the local primary school and told terrible dad jokes.  Everyone wanted to go to the swimming and sports carnivals in our family car so they could be around "Mo". Sadly, my parents divorced because they are human and filled with all kinds of foibles my father didn't really get to be a big part of my life after that.  We know better now and Dad's are encouraged to have more access and they fight harder for it.  Keep fighting for equal time Dad's your kids need you for at least 50% of their time.

Happy Father's Day