As parents we see our children struggling. Instinctively, we want to pour on the parenting, pull the reins in, lock the doors and drown our children in love, keep them on the road we've been imagining for them since their conception. That road was something we conjured up with our partners while admiring full pregnant tummies, feeling the little person inside rolling around, our great anticipation and imaginings of the life we were about to enter. I know my husband and I had images of parenthood that ended with the two of us sitting in rocking chairs surrounded by adorable well behaved grandchildren. Our children, grown adults with successful careers fitting perfectly into a society that is accepting of them in every sense of the word. We blissfully hang on to this dream for our children without a doubt in our minds that one day it will be a reality.
It's around the time our children hit adolescence that we get our first really big reality check. Perhaps, if we are lucky, we might have had a few little reality checks along the parenting road. Hints that our lovely imagined images might not be actualised. However, its when our kids are "getting in the face of death" that parents realise that maybe the conjured picture of the future might have been a little bit on the lollipops, rainbows and sunshine side in fact may be completely and utterly removed from reality. Our adorable babies are now lanky, slightly smelly, confrontational budding adults whom are engaging in all kinds of dangerous activities that you may or may not know about.
All those sleepless nights, dealing with tantrums, assertions of being a parent, all the story telling, the walks and movies, all the discussions about life that you've had with your child up to this point were the training ground for the parenting lessons you are about to be bombarded with as your child hits adolescence. This is where you have to bring out the Big Guns of parenting. Its the roller coaster ride of your life where you get a real appreciation for your own parents. So start writing that thank you note now.
Some people are lucky and their children sail through this time. The rainbows, lollipops and sunshine picture is a reality for them. These are the magnificent parents who have done such a great job their kids are seemingly immune to the challenges of peer pressure, fear of death, questioning life and the future. I think for most of us this is not the case. It certainly wasn't for me. There were and still are some really challenging times for me as a parent with my youngest child about to turn 17, my eldest child being 30. All four, experienced this existential time in different ways however, the big questions were still asked by all of them. There has been a degree of struggle for each of the boys as they traversed the challenges of adolescence emerging into adulthood. The existentialist will tell you that anything worth having involves some kind a epic struggle. I can tell you, without reservation, that I am immensely proud of the men my children have become, I feel privileged to have played some part in this. There were times for me that were so difficult that I had serious doubts that we would make it through the teenage years into adulthood.
I remember going off to work one day, after one of my sons had told me he had been seriously considering suicide as an option, having a very strong animal like compulsion to follow him around the school yard and in fact everywhere he went to ensure he didn't take this option, instead of going to work. I was panicking on the inside luckily, my years of working as a community worker helped me at this point and enabled me to remain calm on the outside. The parenting instincts went to the side, counselor Sandy stood front and center. I spent hours and hours listening to how my son was despairing of life and suffering with great depression. I provided him with the support he needed such as; medical checks, getting a school counselor on board and later a psychiatrist, luckily he is alive today.
This was me bringing out the parenting big guns. It was about being there when required, allowing my children to find their own path and letting go of the pictured future I had for my kids. Letting them take the brushes, paints and stand in front of the easel and create their own picture for their own futures. They waft in and out coming for advise occasionally or to discuss the finer points. I believe it was my job all those years ago to do the ground work. To help the boys build a nice sturdy easel to provide a huge canvass for them to produce their best work, to show them the array of colours and textures available to them. Then most importantly to stand back and let them create what they will on their own. That imagined ideal my husband and I had, I see that as naive, one dimensional musings of a couple of life travelers who had no idea of the enormity of what lay ahead. My sons have created much more interesting, multifaceted and color filled vista for themselves than we could have ever imagined.
Its a natural part of life to move away from parents and family of origin to create your own place in the world. As much as I would like to keep all my children around me, as much as I love their company, their senses of humour, their wonderful take on the world around them, I know that it is a finite time we share together. The amazing sense of love and security they have created with me will always be there no matter what goes on in their life, it will always be a part of our shared history. I know that I must let go and let them create their master piece.
The rate of suicide among young people is soaring, particularly in young men. It's crucially important I feel, that parents not take a hard line in relation to control. It's a natural reaction for all humans to resist. Imagine yourself playing tug of war, if someone pulls on the rope it's your natural reaction to pull in the opposite direction to win. Adolescence is a time where parents and children can enter a war. Its definitely what happened in my family when I was a teenager. My mothers desperation to maintain control ended badly. I have seen many parents make the same mistake. One father coming to my house pleading with me to be harder on my son, in relation to cleaning his room. Their son kept telling his parents that my son cleaned his room when he wanted to clean it. It was making their control of their son harder. The poor man didn't want to adopt my approach, he didn't even consider it. He honestly thought he was helping me be a better parent by telling me to lay down the law. There can only be one captain, as far as teenagers go they need to be the captain of their ship and parents need to be very good first mates, advising, guiding and assisting with evaluations. They are after all training to be adults and making decisions regarding life directions is what adults should do. Deciding when to clean your own room is a pretty basic decision, probably a pretty safe starting point actually. There's a lot of potential for self directed learning in that one.
My experience has been that letting go a bit, negotiating with kids and asking nicely works far better than engaging in a furious tug of war. The average teenager has enough going on just on a biological cellular level to contend with alone, if you add in a war with your parents it's just going to make everything worse for them. As parents we don't want things to be worse for our children. Sometimes in life things do get worse before they get better. Adolescence, in the main, seems to be one of those times.
I read in one of the text books at university that the existentialist counselor walks along side their clients on a path of discovery, to answer the big questions, or at least realise there are no definitive answers to those big questions.Not having answers gives us great freedom to create our life as we want it to be, not what our parents want it to be. Its really through this creation that brings our children true happiness, its their life to create as they will. When I have used this approach in my parenting I have had much better results than some of my early attempts of trying to hang on for dear life and being in a constant state of panic. The big lesson for me, having successfully gotten 4 men through adolescence, has been trusting that my own parenting has provided a good enough foundation for the boys to build upon. It hasn't been easy and it is still sometimes difficult. I'm not experiencing the imagined fantasy I had with my husband when we were raising four little boys. Personally I think its a much more "meaningful", in the true existential sense of the word, reality I am experiencing. There's still plenty of sunshine and happiness while there have been times when loving the teenage hairy, slightly smelly, rebellious bearded guy standing before me has been a bit challenging love eventually wins out.
Sources:
Crooks, R., &
Baur, K. (2011). Our Sexuality. Belmont, CA, USA: Wadsworth.
Gerald, D., &
Gerald, K. (2001). Basic Personal Counselling. Frenchs Forest NSW:
Pearson Education Australia.
Gerrig, R. J.
(2009). Psychology and Life. French Forest NSW: Pearson Education
Australia.
Yalom, I. D.
(1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.
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